Poop, Boob-radar and Furry Babies: Pearls of Wisdom From a New Dad (Part I)

This is the day the Grinchlettes were scheduled to arrive. Clever buggers, they decided to roll up in the middle of Letterman seven weeks early. Here’s what I’ve gleaned about the process and child-rearing thus far:
* Babies don’t totally suck (though I’m still unclear as to their actual function).
* Childbirth is not as gory as you might think, though the furry black pelt covering their bodies is a bit of a surprise (even for a Grinch).
* Cesarean deliveries are the new “normal”. The missus’ unassisted ‘natural’ delivery of was met with shock and awe.
* Telling a new mum whose 30-hour labor ended in a C-Section that that you delivered twins naturally three hours after your first contraction is an unnecessary infliction of psychic pain.
* Five weeks in an incubator does not guarantee your pre-term newborn healthy skin color. Consuming your own body weight every 72 hours on the other hand…
* In a corollary to “Every Sperm is Sacred”, there exists an astonishing variety of different types, consistencies, hues and densities of poop, and each is fascinating in its own special way.
* Diaper technology has come a long way in the 30 years since I last tried to wrap a worming infant.
* We Grinch seem to have a built-in mechanism to prevent us from rolling over and crushing our spawn while we sleep.
* The first thing grinchlette will grab in his/her greedy little fists is chest fur, followed by the goatee (and later, glasses).
* Most girl children eventually lose the hardwired “boob-dar” that allows them to track the location, vector, speed and size of breasts with an accuracy that is the envy of NASA. Boys refine it over a lifetime and bring it to the grave.
* Rookie parents who wish to entertain friends with toddlers and young children should tell ‘em all about their “plans for the feeding schedule…”
* Movies featuring zombies, vampires and murderous angels are all popular with the after-midnight nursing set. The same cannot be said for CSI, further proof that one does not need a fully functioning frontal lobe to wish “actor” David Caruso ill.
* People you do not know will tell you what is best for your child. Other new parents will applaud the judicious use of Tasers, mace and 2x4s in such circumstances.
* The selection of suitable strollers is (or ought to be) a ‘guy thing’.
* A 2G memory card is not enough space to contain a week’s worth of photos of your spawn.
* Having twins means there will always be a squabble about who gets to wear the “I’m With Stoopid” t-shirt.
* Despite their many obvious flaws, females kinda rock.